Sunday, July 17, 2011

Are we there yet?

I found myself this weekend missing a few things (and of course there are a plethora) about my 7.5 years of living in NYC. Friday night I went to watch some of our friends play a show in NE Portland. I don’t know if it was just the conversing with like minded people, especially those my age, that left me thinking where I have come from, where I am at in my life now at the age of 35.  I was longing for those late nights in Manhattan down in the basement bars, being way too mischievous and watching the sunrise while a cab driver zooms me home across town along the deserted avenues, sure that he was incredibly intrigued with all that I had to say. The Rolling Stones playing in the background, the bar hopping, the smell of the subway and the smell of pigeon shit on a hot steamy day after a rain. Why these things in particular? I cannot say, but they are missed for whatever reasons and I am thankful for all those memories and the ability to return. Manhattan is definitely not going anywhere.
I start school again in the morning, the summer quarter… the last quarter of my first year. A bit unbelievable, really. I am looking forward to getting back to the routine. I believe I am becoming a bit more at peace with being a student and not trying so hard to juggle both school and keeping up with touring or other production work. The connections are there, I will take what I can, when I can and in another year or so, it will be time to start really marketing myself and getting fully back in the game. It has been a bit of a soul search, or more of a search for balance really. I was losing identity, fearful of what I was doing, fearful of losing those contacts. Right now though all seems well. I know I will graduate and have more of an advantage than I ever had before. Teaching, practicing, traveling, tour managing, coordinating, writing, painting… will all continue. Love and partnership will find me and I am happy to drop some recent baggage in my life of those who had been such dead weights in my heart… I can feel the arteries and veins clearing up already. Nothing like cowards who cannot accept choices they have made to really bore the hell out of you. Guess what? They will never change. It is as if they are stuck in the transverse colon and failing to move into the descending colon… a malfunction with their splenic flexure no doubt. Do yourself a favor and find you own way down to the sigmoid colon.
It has been a very short break and regret not being a bit more productive with my time. I have these visions for another series of paintings, yet have only sketched my thoughts out, while the turpenoid and bristles of the brushes cry out for my company. I envy my sister and mother, as I know they have been busy with their artwork, but who is counting canvasses here?  I have been playing the piano, but have fallen short in my discipline. I registered to take German in the fall at the community college (while continuing with my masters program). Though I know it will be challenging, I feel I need to do this. I have Rosetta stone, but I want to be in a class setting as it will be more engaging and feel I will absorb more. I still have no idea why I have this enormous desire to be fluent in German, but it still haunts me… so I will listen. I want to learn more languages and quite frankly a bit ignorant to only know English. We shall see how this goes.
I speak and think as if fall were here, but honestly it basically is (sorry). 6 weeks of this summer quarter will fly by (especially with another 5 days of work in the Midwest I have taken on), then what… 2 weeks of another break, then fall. I am ready. I like being busy and with two more years of school to finish, I am slightly tied down. Is this what marriage is like? Eeesh. Last week I made up a clinic shift at school where essentially I observe the 3rd year interns (where I will be in 2 years). We had an 85 year old patient. She was incredibly bitter, lonely, and obviously in pain. It forced me to realize that my compassion and desire to nurture will always remain. It also taught me that I am really going to have to control my emotions because I just wanted to tear up. As soon as the needles were in she began to lighten up a bit, crack some jokes and this helped me to understand the enormous amount of people out there who sometimes just need to be heard. The fact that I have the opportunity to also poke them with needles and see instant relief and changes is just a bonus. I will enjoy the process of learning and continue to brainstorm for the future, and take pride in knowing these are all just layers of cells in the life of complex connective tissue that help maintain both the structural and intentional integrity of where I want to continue to go. 

'Went out walkin' through the wood the other day
And the world was a carpet laid before me
The buds were bursting and the air smelled sweet and strange
And it seemed about a hundred years ago'
100 Years Ago - The Rolling Stones

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